By Charlie Hartley
I woke up around 2 am last night from my nightly volcanic snoring bliss, giggling away. The giggles built into laughter that started to tighten and hurt my stomach. There I was in bed having a big yuck.
What tickled me so was the thought of writing something for my buds, including you, about that guy I keep seeing on TV with the bald head and sunglasses dressed up in black dress pants and a white button down shirt.
He enters the room. The crowds goes nuts. He weaves his head this way and that. He never takes off his sunglasses. Some belly thumping song starts firing male and female hormones. He sings some indecipherable stuff. You can’t understand him. You’re pretty sure he’s not a singer, but you don’t care. Nobody does. He’s got you and me and everybody else mesmerized. He’s a rarity, a curiosity. He’s our present day Telly Savalas. He’s the 21st century Kojak without the Tootsie Pop dangling from his lower lip.
He’s Pitbull.
This guy is ridiculous. During the NFL games this weekend, I saw him do his thing–whatever it is–during a Bud Light beer commercial. What is this guy all about? The coolest things about him is he never takes off his dark sunglasses even when inside, even on TV where the lights blare everywhere.
This guy is ridiculous.
Pitbull. Give him credit: The name is something else, actually more sensible in some ways than, say, 50 cent and M&M and the Zagnut Candy Bar from back in the 70s, and Hostess Ho-Hos.
Pitbull. Who is this guy?
I chose to write about him this week because, to be honest, it’s been a slow sports week for me. Yes, the NFL playoffs unfolded in dramatic fashion and Alabama won the BCS Title.
And Lance Armstrong. Nice going, Lance.
I have to wonder if Pitbull is up to some of the same antics as Lance (not to be confused with Neil) Armstrong.
Is Kojak, I mean Pitbull, duping us all like Lance did? What is he really up to? Is he lying about who he is? Was he born in Hawaii, really, or someplace like that? Has he ever taken singing lessons? Is he a dancer? What is he? Is that really his voice when he raps or chants of barks or whatever he does on stage? Are we being taken by a Pit Bull? At what point down the road will he be on Oprah’s couch confessing that he is not who he said he was? Is he headed for a big crash? Is he taking steroids?
I suspect he’s one of those guys who late one night, about four years ago in his run down basement apartment, was watching some old Kojak reruns and became enamored with the shiny-headed dude who was authentically cool in every way.
Pit, whose real name is Elvin Alspock I fantasize, sat up in his chair and had an epiphany saying: “I want to be like that guy and it will make me millions of dollars. I can get out of my job selling hardware supplies by shaving my head, never taking off my sunglasses, and acting cool. I will become part of some band where I’m the lead singer. It won’t matter if our songs are any good. It will only matter if I act and look cool.”
Pit, I have to hand it to you. You’ve reached the mountain top somehow. I’m writing about you and I don’t just write about any pitbull on the block. I write about pitbulls that make the big-time, have all the ladies screaming at him when he enters the room even though you haven’t even done anything yet and your songs are not quite what I would call anything other than thumping. You’ve figured America out.
Fake everybody out and they’ll willingly buy your gig. As long as you’re cool. Build mystique. Don’t reveal what your eyes look like. Be deceptive. Shuck and jive. High five the crowd, especially the ladies. Dance around, thump, thump, thump. Tip the bartender.
The admirable audacity of Pitbull has only been matched by one man in the sports world other than Lance Armstrong, the incomparable Norv Turner.
This week Norv landed on his feet, once again, by getting hired as the offensive coordinator for the Cleveland Browns.
Norv has made it to the mountaintop the honorable American way, by getting extremely overpaid and overvalued his entire career based on being lucky his first years in the league by coaching one of the world’s best NFL offenses some 20 years ago. His players were all-world and it seemed as if Norv made them so.
But looks were deceiving. Norv has lost every way possible since then for so many different teams it’s getting hard to process. He never has been a winner. Check his record as a head coach and you’ll see what I mean. But Norv is a multi-millionaire and keeps getting highly coveted jobs. People think he’s a good football coach even though he isn’t.
Like Lance and Pitbull, Norv has got everybody fooled.
Follow Charlie on Twitter @charleshartley